My grandmother, a devout Catholic (she goes to church everyday literally), has been married to my grandfather for so many years, and the thing is he's very, very abusive and he's been that way for so long. He was like that to my mother, my aunts, my mom's brother, even me and my cousins. He name-calls, picks fights, doesn't care if he starts in front of guests, so you basically get the picture, he's a jerk.
Thing is, my aunt and grandmother, both devout Catholics, seem to feel that people are going to be ';judged'; and be punished, but don't seem to want to believe that he will be punished as well. My aunt especially, along with my mom, defends him, saying he had a bad childhood and my aunt, fundamentalist she is, says its not him but demons. I personally think that's a crock of bs, he's made his choices, regardless of childhood he knows he hurts people, and he gets off on it.
How can I explain to those two (well more so my aunt because she's in denial) that if the world is the way they believe, that he's going to have to answer to what he's done and he's going to have to take responsibility too? How can I explain it to them that its not okay what's he's done from a Catholic perspective?Catholics, I need your advice on this family situation?
It's not a ';Catholic'; issue. If you've studied psychology, you are doubtless aware of the human mind's capacity to delude itself to avoid feeling worse. Apparently this man provides something that they fear losing (perhaps an income?). Consider the generation they were raised in. The zeitgeist of an entire era is hard to overcome, Very possibly, they forgive his abuse out of fear that he would abandon his wife to a more uncertain fate. It doesn't have to be a rational fear, just an unwillingness to see things objectively. And if you ';attack'; him, you're attacking her reasons for staying with him.
Just because she has more options than in the old days, doesn't mean she can take them seriously. One Catholic issue that DOES pertain is the permanence of marriage. Were she to leave him, it would be an admission of ';failure'; on her part to maintain the marriage. As long as she is willing to put up with his abuse, there is little you can do but express your opinions about his behavior (not hers!), unless he gets seriously physical. Battery is much easier to prove in court than psychological abuse. But without the cooperation of the victim, you won't get far. One of the great injustices of the world is that there are so many jerks who get away with it. Do what you can to support her, make sure she knows her options, but allow her to make her own choices.Catholics, I need your advice on this family situation?
Being enablers does not have anything to do with Being Catholic, except that they are more forgiving.
Your parents might have more clout with the fam than you. Perhaps you could appeal to them to get grandpa in to the doctor and evaluated. He could have long term depression, PTSD or just need therapy to get out of his negative relating.
Catholicism tells us to take responsiblity for our lives and not to be doormats and occasions of sin to those who are'; behaviorly challenged';
Jesus said to shake the dust from our feet( that is, do not keep banging your head against a wall of hostility and cruelty)
I understand your concern, but why are you focusing on your aunt and grandmother? They cannot change the man. They are doing their best to cope in as loving as a manner as they can muster.
I am certain that your grandmother prays for her husband daily. She may be doing other things for the sake of his soul as well. Don't stop her from doing this. It's a good thing.
If you really want things to change, the person you need to be addressing is your grandfather. He's the one who needs a reality check.
First, to get away with this behavior, he is also giving something THEY value in equal amount. (B.F. Skinner)
Since your grandmother goes to Mass daily, she is finding the nourishment for her soul, mind, and body to fight against the negative, demon's he's spitting out.
I would say that it's not your aunt and grand mother who is being punished because they are the saviors ... who else is going to save this jerk? Certainly isn't you! Catholic is more than the personal relationship we each have with Jesus. Catholic is striving to save everyone ... even this jerk ... ';Eternal father, I offer you the body, blood, soul, and divinity of your dearly beloved Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, in offering for our sins and the sins of the whole world ... for the sake of His Sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world'; (Faustina).
However, as a family member, I urge you to uncover the ways that your aunt and grandmother are enabling this situation ... because being an enabler is hurting the one they'ree trying to save and keeping him from Jesus. It will be painful ... but so was His Passion.
Honestly, I would talk to their local priest and see if he can talk to them. The Catholic Church does not condone that sort of behavior. Your grandmother, aunt, etc. are victims and don't want to see the bad. If you have studied psychology you already know this. Your grandmother and aunt, especially, need counseling to help them get over their victimhood and go on with their lives. I am not necessarily talking divorce (which I know your grandmother could never agree to), but simply counseling for the mental health of your mom, aunt and grandmother. Priests are trained as counselors and, if nothing else, could possibly set your grandmother and aunt at least thinking about it, as the priest is an authority figure to your grandmother and aunt
If you are the only one seeing all this (his actions as bad), and none of the women in your family see it like that you are fighting an uphill battle.
You need to hear what the women are telling you even if you don't like the answer it is their life, and I really don't see any of them changing. Perhaps what you are struggling with is you see the women in your family as weak, but for them to stay and love and understand him with his faults that sounds like compassion.
My guess is he needs them more than you realize.
You're right, the demons thing IS a load of BS.
Unfortunately, no matter what you say, they won't believe you. You can refuse to see him, talk to him, have anything to do with him and get your cousins to do the same so the rest of your family sees how serious you are, though. At the very least it'll protect you from his douchiness. (That's a word now.)
Okay first of all are you living with this guy or not?
If you are not then you have no reason to judge him. He is what we used to call a ';grouchy and bitter ' old man. If they can handle it then you got no business sticking your nose in their business. If they didn't want to deal with the trials they would have walked out.
My grandmother did this when my grandfather started beating her, so there is worse than to live with than just a guy that mouths off all the time.
Heck with psychology, you have conflicting personalities with him, you obviously don't get along, you wont' see any good in him so I would say your a bit too prejudice in this case to make a judgment call.
I think the best way to get through to these people is to see if you can get them to sit down with their parish priest to hear it from him. If they are devout, he would be someone whose opinion they would respect. And I can tell you, having recently spoken with my priest on a similar matter, myself, I'm quite certain the priest would condemn the behavior as completely unacceptable and could direct them further on what to do from there.
All you can do is tell them how you feel. You can not save someone who does not ask for help. She may be on this site asking how to make her nephew see the good in her father. There is good in everyone and even if you can't see it there is. You have to realize they are all coming from a different time. There was no site were men could ask questions about situations with there family, or talk about there bad childhood. They just held it in. You might want to try telling yourself, that god doesn't judge people till they are dead, so niether should you (from my grandmother). And you never know he could save a school bus of kids right before he dies. It seems to me you just want everyone to hate him how you do, but you have to realize he is a human just like you. He was 21 and from the sound of it probable hated his grandfather. So try talking to him, if he is just an ***, be one back and have no apologizes for your actions to him. Then ask him if he enjoyed it.
Remember that you cannot see this man's soul, only his actions. For all we know, he could be in the confessional every weekend, truly repentant for his sins but unable to resist temptation.
That does not excuse his abusive behavior, but we just don't know how things stand between him and God.
Pray for him, and your grandmother. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years. For a long time I simply made myself blind to the abuse. I also gave my abuser every benefit of the doubt and believed any excuse that presented itself for why things were so wrong. You want to think the best of those you love and trust. It's a way our brains have of shielding us from pain.
Telling her isn't as effective as her seeing it for herself. That may never happen, but you can always pray for her.
That's why I don't go to church. Too many nuts inside.
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